most importantly, WHO WILL CATCH THE BABY?!?

Earlier tonight, while moving boxes into the new apartment:

Me: There is definitely room for a baby in the new apartment. Not a toddler - we'd have to move before they were really mobile - but us and a baby, for sure.*
Adam: Yeah, for sure.
Me: We'd have to move one of our desks to make space for a crib...maybe share a desk. But it would be fine.
Adam: We are NOT sharing a desk. That will not work.**
Me: Well, we could take the doors off the big bedroom closet and put the crib in there, in the nook.
Adam: We are not putting our baby in a closet. That is really ghetto.
Me: But it would work!
Adam: Yes, and letting it sleep in the sink would work too. THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE ARE GOING TO DO IT.

*Not like, right now. Perhaps in a year or so..we just don't want to move again until we absolutely HAVE to.
**He keeps his desk super clean. I have a hobo pile/fire trap of papers, photos, cards, empty coke cans and owl figurines.

life listing

Hi, I'm back. Slower than promised, maybe, but here now. Times are busy and in all honestly, the past year has been a blur. I've changed jobs, had an organ removed, turned 25, gotten married, almost lost my mind multiple times, found a new apartment, and am now gearing up for the big move. And the holidays. And finding a new job, as my contract is up in five weeks. Friends, lovers, internet strangers: bear with me.

With the intention of motivating myself to reach my goals, I've started a life list. This is something that I've had loosely written in my head for years, but after much I've decided to make a tangible copy and set about pushing myself to achieve more of what I want in life. So, here goes. My goals, written down, impossible to ignore and waiting to be met.

Some entries are relatively attainable and will hopefully be checked off in the foreseeable future (re-read To Kill A Mockingbird, get another tattoo, travel to manymanyplaces), while some are more challenging (own a house, write a book, learn to drive on the highway) and others are much more complex (improve relationship with father, have children and be a good mom).

A further sampling of my list:

- Throw a fancy multi-course dinner party at which everyone wears cocktail attire and drinks homemade vodka-spiked punch
- Take French lessons until fluent; use this skill in Paris, France
- Re-learn the piano and play regularly
- Paint a large canvas. Repeat until proud of result.
- Walk along the Great Wall of China
- Make thorough set of photo albums, Mimi-style*
- Take mom on tropical vacation
- Pay off student loan
- Do harness thing between trees in Costa Rica
- Host a family Christmas party

*my grandmother's photo albums are legendary.

So tell me, what is/would be on your life list? What are your goals, and how will you meet them? My first step was writing it down and making it real. The list is ever-growing, which is good - if it's ever fully "complete", I've clearly gotten lazy in life. So here I go, with life list part one, ready to take on the world. Or at least host a few dinner parties.

motivation for the previous post, revealed

Adam: You haven't posted on your blog in...

Me: ...A month and a half. I know.
Adam: You need to start posting again! I like reading it. And you have so much to write about! The wedding, the honeymoon, all your...stuff that you do. I WANT TO READ ABOUT THOSE THINGS.
Me: Haha. Ok.
Adam: And photos. Thanks.

shame, part one million

Dear friends and randoms,

Hi. And, um, yes, I've been a bad blogger as of late. Most of you understand why this has been so, but for good measure, a recap:

1. I got married! It's legal and everything, yo. I am officially married to the greatest person I've ever met, who I like more than anyone in the world and love more than words could ever say. It was and continues to be amazing. I am beyond happy. My heart swells. I am Tom Cruise circa 2006. It feels crazy, but good.

2. So, then I went to Greece for ten blissful days of sun, sea, and pickpockets. With Adam, of course.


3. I returned to Canada two days before Thanksgiving, which I spent at my cottage with family.

4. I'm working a new job, which keeps me busy and makes me tired.

5. I've been sick with both an ear infection and a stomach virus for over a week.

6. I've been lazy about writing here. And adding photos for these last few points, apparently.

I promise to be better, and soon. That is all.

Love,

Erin

my bachelorette in photos

The night starts off innocently enough.

A cheese tray, some calamari, and a few drinks on a terrace...

Upstairs in the hotel room, pink decorations set the mood and food/drink is plentiful

The room done up already, they move on to decorating me

And then there is champagne - in bottles, in cans, on the hotel room floor.

Down the elevator and into a cab we go, on to a mystery location

At first it's this...him...and then her:

And then more, and more, and OMG.

And then, of course, we dance.

lovelovelove. The End.

things I am enjoying right now: August '09

1. 'The Almost Moon' by Alice Sebold

I've had this book on my shelf for almost 2 years, but just FINALLY took it down and opened it's pages after lengthy neglect. (I have an obscene amount of "new" books on hand at any given time, waiting for their turn to be read - next, 'Dish' by Jeannette Walls of 'The Class Castle' fame and love, also from Christmas '07*.) Only a few chapters in, I'm hooked again by Sebold's sharp prose and absorbing storytelling - like 'The Lovely Bones' before it, this book is proving to be both disturbing and beautiful.

*This is what happens when you buy so many books, all the time, uncontrollably - some are read within days of purchase, and others lay dormant for years until something tells you that their time has come.


2. Cherry Bomb Styling Serum

I've been a fan of this magical goop for years - countless salons use it, and I love the way it makes my hair soft, shiny, and frizz-free. Also: the smell is amazing, which is high on my list of qualities in a beauty product.

A tiny bottle of the Canadian made goodness runs about $15 in store, but if you're lucky, you have a friend who works at Trade Secrets and gets it for you at 50% off (along with OPI polish in 'Sweetheart' and 'Lincoln Park After Dark', of course). A nickel-sized dollop smoothed through damp hair before blowdrying is all you need, and voila! Perfect hair.

3. Strawberry Banana Vivanno Smoothie


Like Starbucks needs any promotional assistance from me, for real - but we all know I'm a slave to their delicious overpriced liquid crack, and this has been a perfect addition to my summer rotation of Iced Lattes and Java Chip/Caramel Frapps. (The Orange-Mango Blend is great as well, though I OD'd on those this Spring and have since moved on to the strawberry variety.)

Oh, Starbucks, how rich I must make your CEO. YOU'RE WELCOME.

days of summer

Summer days. We depart from the cottage with my cousins in tow, and spot a deer on the road as we head out - a sign, obviously, of a beautiful day to come.

That afternoon, at the park - "Santa's Summer Home" - the kids fed Reindeer as Adam looks on. My heart swells. They all make me smile.

Swan rides for all, some mini putt, carnival games, and a train through the park. A new eco display that they like best of all, and a water park that I enjoy most. Ice cream? No, the kids decide on candy instead. She sings songs the whole ride home; he plays cool and then joins in.

The next day, more sunshine. A book on the dock, ice cream in the boat. He paddle surfs, I swim. Later that weekend, him: "Babe, can you put some moisturizer on my shoulders? They're a bit sunburned."
Me: "Sure...just grab my Dove lotion from the washroom."
He returns with hairspray - right brand, wrong product by a mile. "Is this it?"
He's not kidding.
Oh, how I love him.

veiled in secrecy.

Oh, puns.

Sitting here, wanting to update, I realize that everything I want to share is SECRET at the moment. Wedding dress details...SECRET! The veil, earrings and hairpiece I bought over the weekend...SECRET! Pictures from the dress fitting on Saturday...well, you get the idea.

I'm in flown blown wedding mode, and yet, I can't share. Yet. Or I could, but I won't. Because I want it all to be a surprise when I walk down the aisle, and yet, I want to wear my dress everywhere I go, from the grocery store to the gym.

It's just that it's so lovely, and I'm sort of sad that I'll only be able to wear it for one day.

Outside of wedding world, there are tidbits of excitement. Mini-vacations at the lake whenever we can. A really great opportunity that I am interviewing for this Wednesday. The Bachelorette party in three weeks, a secret surprise day that Adam has planned, and THE HONEYMOON! Booked! To Greece - an adventure of my dreams.

"Outside of wedding world" was a lie, clearly. But why not let myself be that excited young bride? I'm happy, and excited, and bursting with love. In just over six weeks, Adam and I will be married in front of our families and closest friends. We will steal away to Europe together for ten blissful days, and come back to the life we are already living, together, in our ghetto apartment. And we'll be married, somehow more than we already are.

I have always felt that I could not love Adam any more than I already do. But every day, I realize I can, and do, wedding or not. I'm so glad we're doing this - sharing our happiness with our loved ones, making things official, celebrating - and I cannot wait for the best party of our lives.

a lovely rainy weekend at the lake.

success.

Stag and Doe over. Good times = had. Let's all sleep for days.

words between people in love.

Not ten minutes ago, I walked from the washroom to the bedroom, eyelash curler absentmindedly in hand. Adam and I were talking about something as he sat at the computer, which led to some cuddling, which led to me threatening him with my eyelash curler, naturally. His response?

"No! GET THAT AWAY FROM ME! I swear to God, woman, if you put that near my face, I will PUNCH YOU IN THE UTERUS! I AM NOT JOKING! DO YOU WANT BABIES? DO YOU WANT BABIES?"

Ahhhhh, love.

excuses, excuses...

Oh, I'm terrible, I haven't posted, I know. I've neglected you, blog, and I'm sorry. But do you have any idea what the past two weeks have been like for me? LET ME TELL YOU, INTERNET. Shit is going down. It has been crazy.

My wedding is just over two months away. It's mostly planned, yes, and I'm super organized about it all, but the tasks remaining are crucial - addressing and sending out the formal invitations, going to dress fittings, meetings with the venue and DJ, finalizing details with the florist, caterer, hairdresser and makeup artist, purchasing and putting together guest favours, making a floorplan, making a seating plan, ensuring that the groomsmen have suits/ties, buying gifts for the wedding party...should I go on? There's more, I promise. Adam needs new dress shoes, I need a veil/hairpiece, there's a rehearsal to plan, and the honeymoon...you get the picture.

On top of that, our Stag and Doe is this Saturday, and the last minute details have basically taken over my life. My head is full of raffle prizes and drink tickets and games...will people show up? Will everyone have a good time? Will anyone in my family get drunk and embarrass me??? Oh dear Lord, let it all go well!

Of course, I'm also working a new job (a temporary PR gig with a film production company) and trying to enjoy my summer as it flies by. My extended family is throwing me a second bridal shower next weekend (second in that I already had a bridal shower back in May; though this one is being organized by another part of the family and will have entirely different guests) and Adam's birthday is less than 3 weeks away. My dad's wedding reception was last weekend (he eloped to Vegas in November, which is another story) and the weekend before that, I hosted a party for 20 people in honour of my grandparents' 75th birthdays.

I'm not complaining - life is wonderful at the moment - but oh man, it is busy. My head is spinning, and part of me wants to take a day off from it all - maybe sleep til noon, spend some time with a good book, work on my tan.

And yet, I can't stop thinking how fleeting it all is - how it will be over so soon, as everything is, and suddenly this summer will be a memory. The wedding will be a memory. My dress will be in a box, in storage, it's day come and gone. And this will all seem like so long ago, and then it will be.

So I cling to each night, afraid to let the day slip away into sleep and new mornings, trying to make it last - and though it always ends, there is always more. And so I make another to do list, check off another box, and smile.

cookie monster

There are days I feel hopeless domestically (my desk is always a mess; the dusting never ends) and days I am a regular Martha Stewart. I love to cook, decorate and entertain, am obsessed with stationary and gift wrap, and cannot wait until I have a large enough space to have my whole family over for dinner. Ahhh, dreams. For now, I'll have to settle for a few guests at a time (two, actually, if we want seating for all) and keep the good china in storage - but I live with Adam, so there's always a hungry mouth to feed.

Some of my homemaking rampages involve baking, usually in obscenely large batches of cookies, muffins, and fruit cobblers. Yesterday, I had a freezer full of chocolate chips, a brand new pampered chef baking sheet, and some time to kill, so I spent some time in the evening scouring culinary websites in search of the Ultimate Cookie Recipe. I'm an old pro with oatmeal chocolate chip, peanut butter cookies and gingersnaps, and make a mean sugar cookie, but it was time for something new. Luckily, I found it: Oatmeal Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies

Sure, it's a combination of two cookies I already make, and ok it's a branded recipe copied from a box of chocolate squares, but these are AWESOME. I added some extra oats, butter and peanut butter, and substituted PC brand chocolate chips for the Baker's brand squares, and they turned out perfectly: moist, flavourful and chewy. (Though be warned: they are super rich.)

Adam promptly ate A SINGLE TINY BITE of one cookie and declared that he doesn't like the combination of chocolate and peanut butter (one of my favourite combinations, naturally). Stating that "they are probably great, if you like that stuff", he insisted that he wouldn't eat any more. Fine, fine. Suit yourself.

This afternoon, I surveyed the giant surplus of freshly baked cookies in my kitchen and decided to offer a plateful to our upstairs neighbour. He was pleased, and I was glad to share - especially since Adam had sworn off my confections on account of the ingredients, and there was no way I could eat them all myself.

Of course, Adam then came home from work and starting eating, deciding that he now likes them despite the offending combination. "Do they still taste like peanut butter?" he asked as he lifted plastic wrap off the plate. "I do like them, I guess," he added a moment later, his beard full of crumbs. "Mmmm."

Good thing I made so many.

staying the course

As indicated many, many times before, on this blog and beyond, I am an incredibly emotional person. Anyone who has spent a significant amount of time with me knows that this is true, for better or worse, and I won't ever deny it - I laugh a lot, I cry easily, I can be up or down depending on the day (or the moment). I get really excited by life and can be blissfully happy at times, but also visit the other side of the spectrum regularly.* I have a lot of fears and serious anxieties; I live hard, and love hard. I'm an ambitious, ardent personality, and far more sensitive than is reasonable. But hell, I'm a writer - and this is what we do, right?

*For those about to diagnose my mental state: Thanks, but it's been done, by professionals and meddlesome acquaintances alike, and I'm fine. Nothing to see here!

I'm not sure which came first - the writing or the dysfunction - but in all honestly, I believe they were both present at birth. I'm a writer, I'm a mess; it's the core of who I am. And as strange as it may seem, I wouldn't necessary change any part of it. Stripped of my neuroses, I don't know who I would be, or where life would have led me. I think of all I could have missed, good and bad, and where I may have landed. Things would be drastically different, I'm sure - and I don't wish for that at all, despite everything that keeps me awake at night.

Adam affectionately calls me his little Grumpo, but for the past month or so I could have accurately been called Crazy Sobbing Disaster in Sweatpants. The past few weeks have been HARD. Like, crying for four days straight hard, and getting-out-of-bed-is-WAY-too-much-to-handle kind of hard. In tears because that puppy looked at me hard. Aching from my head to my toes, lungs tightening, heart pounding hard. It sucked. I know it sucked for Adam, too.

The details are unnecessary, but can be summed up with the words family, money, self worth, trapped, scared, and overwhelmed. Emphasis on the last one. And maybe the first.

But this week, finally, things have really started to look up. I've been interviewing for some awesome new jobs, spending time with my amazing loved ones, and finally letting a bit of the pressure slide off of me. Feeling better about myself. Taking the time for a long summer evening's walk, and getting into bed early with a good book. Sipping a cold drink on a patio with my love. I feel lighter, and freer, and hopeful again. Instead of feeling useless and trapped, I am able to look around and see all that I have and everything I have done. I'm pretty accomplished for 25. It didn't feel that way last week, but it's true - I've done a lot, and I will keep on going. There is so much to do, and I see myself making things happen.

Yesterday, I had an awesome time at a media event (though currently unemployed - err, "freelancing only" - I managed to score an invite). It was a 'Name That Tune' competition to raise money for charity, and I enjoyed myself more than I had in weeks. Afterward, I set out a towel along the harbour front, and soaked up the sun while boats sailed by in slow motion. It was beautiful, and even the drunk old man puking in the bushes beside me couldn't ruin the peace I felt.

It was nice. I felt better.

Happiness doesn't always come easily. But I'm a fighter, my hope is back, and I'm getting there.

"I'm going to put that on my blog."

After seeing something Russian on TV, and recalling a conversation from earlier in the day:

Me: Oh! So I was talking to this Russian woman I met today -
Adam: Oh yeah? Well, I threw apples at a Russian woman today.