rage rage rage

Dear Corporate Giant Who Currently Has My Laptop(s),

It has been well over a week since I dropped my computer off to you, asking you to copy all of my document and image files and transfer them to a newly-purchased laptop. It has been almost as long since you called to say that someone in your tech department BROKE the hard drive on laptop #1 while working on it, and that my files may never be recovered. And oh yeah, they hadn't been transferred to the new computer yet. So they're basically gone, you offered nonchalantly. Whoops.

Yes, I spoke angrily to you, and may have even raised my voice a few times. And honestly...I remain livid, though alternately I am purely upset. Devastated, even, remembering the photos that can't be replaced. Years worth of files on my laptop, years of work and writing and photos, which you DESTROYED, perhaps permanently.

Sure, some of the more important folders were backed up. Pictures from my last trip to Europe, our wedding and honeymoon photos...stuff like that. But most of it wasn't. Which was why I was paying YOU, Corporate Giant whose alliterated name brings rage to my heart, to make a copy of them all. So I'd have a back up of everything, in case "something happened". Unfortunately, it appears that YOU are that something that happened, and that you essentially did the exact opposite of what I paid you to do. The personal and professional injury this could cause me is breathtaking.

You had the balls to suggest I just pick up the new laptop, sans files, and start fresh. I told you that I was going to return it and buy the same computer elsewhere, and then take my old laptop to a data recovery centre on YOUR bill. You then said you'd try to fix the laptop in store, order parts and try to piece things back together, and would make further attempts to restore the files. No apology, of course - just a begrudging agreement that you'd try to make things right. The icing on the cake? When you told me not to get my hopes up. Just wait and see.

Ten days later, I am still waiting. And you still don't care.

You are a huge company with money and lawyers. I am a twentysomething writer with more student debt than money in the bank. But I have ethics, and heart, which you do not. And I will take you on however I can.

My fingers are crossed that you will fix this. Until then, you better fucking try.

Signed,

One girl who is never going back to your store ever again, you shameless fucking assholes.

stop and start

Lately, I've been feeling as if I cannot write.

I do write, obviously. I always do. I've even been writing on here fairly regularly, after a wedding-related exile of sorts. But there is a difference between typing up book recommendations or makeup reviews and really writing, from my heart.

While one might guess that I'm running low on meaningful things to say, or I've bored of this blog, or I just don't care to share my feelings anymore, it's not really any of those things. On the contrary, I've found myself overwhelmed with emotion lately - good, bad, and everything in between - and am almost scared to sit down and address everything as honestly as I'd need to in order to write about it. Writing about things make it real; unignorable. I always get there eventually, but this time the path feels longer, and I'm walking slowly.

The past year or more has been an absolute roller coaster for me - more so than usual. Some days I can't wait to jump out of bed and get on with my day, and other times, it's a struggle just to get in the shower and walk downstairs. I've written about my recent life changes here before, but in truth, it's the things that have stayed the same that stress me out and drag me down the most. Family stuff, money stuff, world stuff. The things I can't change, the people who won't. The parts of life that weigh on me and make the smaller things hard to bear. The reasons I'm awake all night, and why my "month of rest" was anything but.

My job hunt will be back on soon, and looking back on the past few weeks, I didn't do much. I wasn't expecting to write an entire novel or become fluent in French or sew myself a new wardrobe or anything, but I definitely had visions of afternoons spent alone in the AGO or the ROM, quiet hours spent reading in cafes and long walks downtown. Maybe the odd manicure or some window shopping at Holts. Essentially, I imagined myself doing all the things I always wanted to do but couldn't because of work or other obligations.

So it was set: I had the time, my husband's support, my own permission, and nothing to stop me from enjoying each day as if it were a holiday. I was ready to live the dream and come out of it completely recharged. I looked forward to this time, felt how badly I needed to it, and was ready to dive in head first.

I didn't go to any galleries, in the end. Instead, I stayed up a lot of nights, slept through a lot of days, spent a significant amount of time beating myself up mentally, and watched an obscene amount of late-night television. I am hardly pleased with the way things unfolded. If this were a test, I would fail myself. Or at least write a snippy comment on the report.

I did get my shit together in terms of some paperwork I'd been neglecting (when you move, or change your last name, apparently you must ALERT the companies who mail you statements and such). I also baked a lot, spent a lot of time making homemade soups from scratch (a hobby that I actually find incredibly relaxing) and put together our wedding album. Good for me. But no ROM, no AGO, no cafes (not even Starbucks, which feels hundreds of miles away in the cold). I was super hermitty and moderately anxious most of the time. I couldn't wait for Adam to get home - until I'd hear his key in the lock and realize how empty my day had been, how different from his, and suddenly feel strangely ashamed. The days dragged on but the month flew by, and part of me wants a do-over. Or something. I don't know.

Sunshine would be nice.

Things I do know: I love my new apartment. I love being married to Adam. I make damn good soup. I don't cope well with excessive amounts of free time; at least not yet, or in the winter. I want a baby, though that isn't in the cards for this year. (At least not the cards we're planning.) I want to travel more, take more photos, and go to more concerts. I want to make art on a regular basis, if only because it makes me feel good. There is no such thing as too much reading. Too much television makes me grumpy. I make excellent brownies. I do have a green thumb after all, as I've kept the little potted Christmas tree alive for over six weeks, and it is growing little tree accessories on it's branches. I love the sound of the train going by at night. I need to write more. I need to pull myself up when things are rough. The right job is out there, and we'll find each other eventually. I'll be alright.

And maybe tomorrow I'll go to the ROM. Or at least get out of my pajamas before 2:00 pm. At least it's a start.

word words words

It would be a huge challenge for me to name my desert island books. You know - the five books that you would take with you if you knew you were going to be stranded for life? (Apparently, this dire scenario isn't affected by what water would do to a pile of books, how heavy they would be to swim with, or by the stranded one's IMMINENT DEATH.)

Anyhow, a few titles immediately leap to my mind: To Kill a Mockingbird, The Glass Castle, Crow Lake, The Time Traveler's Wife, Fall On Your Knees, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, The Lovely Bones, Unless. Each of them incredible. Like admitting to a favourite child, how could anyone decide? And then I remember The Stone Diaries, I Know This Much is True, Stones from the River, Until I Find You, Girl with a Pearl Earring, Wuthering Heights; every one of them unique perfection.

My last five reads were each amazing contenders in their own way. If you're looking for something new, check out one of these little gems:

1. 'Push' by Sapphire (now the movie Precious)

This book is getting a lot of press right now because of the recently released film, adaptation which apparently stars Mariah's Carey's mustache, if one is to believe reviews. However - what should be remembered is that the movie was spawned from a book, and an excellent one at that. I felt physically ill while reading sections of this book, cried more than once, and was emotionally exhausted by the end. The only word I can think of that truly sums up this book is important. As in, this is an important read. Read it.

2. 'Still Alice' by Lisa Genova

Having worked with Alzheimer's patients for a number of my teenage years, as well as having worked in a neuro/neuro-muscular clinic for several summers in high school, I was seriously interested in this book as soon as I heard about it. Focusing on a Harvard professor with early onset Alzheimer's Disease, the story is raw, honest and heartbreaking. The author has a Ph. D in neuroscience, which adds an intelligence and depth often lacking in modern fiction. This book not only lives up to the hype, but in my opinion, exceeds it. Again, I cried, and was so moved. Probably the best book I've read in years, and a definite must.

3. 'Her Fearful Symmetry' by Audrey Niffenegger

Though this story has some truly dark undertones, it was a fun, quick read that I breezed through over a couple of nights. The novel manages to be quirky and charming while addressing serious issues such as family loyalty, mental illness and death. If you expect something along the lines of The Time Traveler's Wife (Niffenegger's previous book) you may be surprised - this one has a very different narrative voice, and is unlikely to require a box of tissues at your bedside. I liked it a lot; maybe you will, too.

4. 'Suite Francaise' by Irene Nemirovsky

I didn't realize until the abrupt end of this book that the story was never completed by the author. While I was aware that Irene Nemirovsky had been killed at Auschwitz, I didn't realize that her last novel was left incomplete after her arrest, and was subsequently published as such. It's halting end is devastating, particularly if you let yourself think about why it was never finished. What was completed is incredible, and stands as an amazing, true-to-life portrait of war-torn Europe. I wish I'd read this sooner, as it sat on my shelf for over a year before I read it. A book this good should never be neglected. Do better than I did; read it now.

5. 'Sarah's Key' by Tatiana de Rosnay

I hated the title of this book, but liked pretty much everything else about it. This quick read is an interesting mix of history, fiction, excitement and grief. It shares historical themes and some aspects of setting with the excellent Suite Francaise, but also includes a modern storyline, some mystery element and a bit of cheesey, Da Vinci Code-esque drama. Read this one before you read Nemirovsky's book, though, or you aren't likely to thoroughly enjoy it - they just don't compare. Hands down, Nemirovsky's tome is superior, and far more affecting - reading this one after is like having McDonalds the day after a five star meal. It won't stack up. However, if you've yet to be affected by Suite Francais, this is an interesting read well worth your time - consider it a warm up of sorts.

Happy reading, friends...I'm on to the next one.

three things I'm loving right now: part whatever

1. Kiss Me Mascara

I product-tested another "tubes" style mascara a while ago and enjoyed it, but didn't end up using it on a regular basis. (The application took time and effort, and quite simply, I am both busy and lazy.) However, a good friend of mine who works in cosmetic retail gave me a tube of Kiss Me mascara for Christmas, and I've quickly become obsessed. It takes no longer to apply than regular mascara, but has amazing results and comes off easily. I've worn it every day, and it's survived my watery eyes, wind/snow to the face while walking down Spadina, and my constant, absent-minded eye rubbing - all without fading or raccoon-eyes. Best. Mascara. Ever.

2. Watching excessive amounts of HGTV


It's like crack made of real estate, decorating, baking and party-planning. I want a job on this network! Find me one? Thanks.

3. My light brown 'Hoppins' booties from Aldo

Cute with jeans, tights, leggings and whatever else is in my closet, these ankle boots are comfortable, adaptable and a little bit sexy. They come in black as well, but the cognac edition are great for softening up my (frequently all-black) look while still matching everything I own Bonus: the thick wooden heel is both aesthetically pleasing and super sturdy for running around the city. Hoppins = love. Now, if only the snow would go away so I could wear them outside...

what could be called "a big year".

Maybe not the best of "the year", but definitely the best of MY year. So long, 2009.

what's your excuse now?

Excuses? Well, I have a few.

We spontaneously moved from our hellish apartment to one we instantly loved - I saw an ad online, we viewed the place that night, put down a deposit and gave notice (in that order). Just over three weeks later, we were out of the basement and into a sunny duplex just two blocks North. It is glorious. For the first time, our living space feels like home.

I've been busy working, as usual...until this past Friday, that is. My three month contract is over, and I've decided to take a month off to regroup and work on all of the things I've been neglecting in my life while focusing on other people's. Years of three-jobs-at-a-time balanced with university bled into 16 hour work days after graduation, and now suddenly, a break. A much needed one that I may never have the opportunity take again, once there are mortgages and children to think about. Sure, I may freelance a bit and work on some individual projects, but for the most part, my days will be filled with...rest? Relaxation? I don't really know yet. What does one do when there are hours to spare EVERY DAY, no alarm every morning and few-to-no work deadlines? I am excited and terrified just thinking of all the time I'll have to myself, and all the freedom. Though, I've made good so far, just one weekend in...

Reading.
Baking.
Sleeping.
Making holiday centrepieces out of holly.
Writing and sending cards to almost everyone I know.
Taking pictures of flowers.
Making homemade chicken-vegetable soup and elaborate salads.
Buying a tiny blue spruce with Adam and ornamenting it as ardently as possible.
Decorating a gingerbread house with my little cousins.
Watching several hours of a Survivor marathon and getting surprisingly into it.
Browsing holiday cookie recipes online for inspiration, and then baking more.
Writing down ideas and fantasizing about my new found free time.
And for the next week, Christmas, one family party after the other, until I burst with love and goodwill and turkey.

Times, they are good.

most importantly, WHO WILL CATCH THE BABY?!?

Earlier tonight, while moving boxes into the new apartment:

Me: There is definitely room for a baby in the new apartment. Not a toddler - we'd have to move before they were really mobile - but us and a baby, for sure.*
Adam: Yeah, for sure.
Me: We'd have to move one of our desks to make space for a crib...maybe share a desk. But it would be fine.
Adam: We are NOT sharing a desk. That will not work.**
Me: Well, we could take the doors off the big bedroom closet and put the crib in there, in the nook.
Adam: We are not putting our baby in a closet. That is really ghetto.
Me: But it would work!
Adam: Yes, and letting it sleep in the sink would work too. THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE ARE GOING TO DO IT.

*Not like, right now. Perhaps in a year or so..we just don't want to move again until we absolutely HAVE to.
**He keeps his desk super clean. I have a hobo pile/fire trap of papers, photos, cards, empty coke cans and owl figurines.

life listing

Hi, I'm back. Slower than promised, maybe, but here now. Times are busy and in all honestly, the past year has been a blur. I've changed jobs, had an organ removed, turned 25, gotten married, almost lost my mind multiple times, found a new apartment, and am now gearing up for the big move. And the holidays. And finding a new job, as my contract is up in five weeks. Friends, lovers, internet strangers: bear with me.

With the intention of motivating myself to reach my goals, I've started a life list. This is something that I've had loosely written in my head for years, but after much I've decided to make a tangible copy and set about pushing myself to achieve more of what I want in life. So, here goes. My goals, written down, impossible to ignore and waiting to be met.

Some entries are relatively attainable and will hopefully be checked off in the foreseeable future (re-read To Kill A Mockingbird, get another tattoo, travel to manymanyplaces), while some are more challenging (own a house, write a book, learn to drive on the highway) and others are much more complex (improve relationship with father, have children and be a good mom).

A further sampling of my list:

- Throw a fancy multi-course dinner party at which everyone wears cocktail attire and drinks homemade vodka-spiked punch
- Take French lessons until fluent; use this skill in Paris, France
- Re-learn the piano and play regularly
- Paint a large canvas. Repeat until proud of result.
- Walk along the Great Wall of China
- Make thorough set of photo albums, Mimi-style*
- Take mom on tropical vacation
- Pay off student loan
- Do harness thing between trees in Costa Rica
- Host a family Christmas party

*my grandmother's photo albums are legendary.

So tell me, what is/would be on your life list? What are your goals, and how will you meet them? My first step was writing it down and making it real. The list is ever-growing, which is good - if it's ever fully "complete", I've clearly gotten lazy in life. So here I go, with life list part one, ready to take on the world. Or at least host a few dinner parties.

motivation for the previous post, revealed

Adam: You haven't posted on your blog in...

Me: ...A month and a half. I know.
Adam: You need to start posting again! I like reading it. And you have so much to write about! The wedding, the honeymoon, all your...stuff that you do. I WANT TO READ ABOUT THOSE THINGS.
Me: Haha. Ok.
Adam: And photos. Thanks.

shame, part one million

Dear friends and randoms,

Hi. And, um, yes, I've been a bad blogger as of late. Most of you understand why this has been so, but for good measure, a recap:

1. I got married! It's legal and everything, yo. I am officially married to the greatest person I've ever met, who I like more than anyone in the world and love more than words could ever say. It was and continues to be amazing. I am beyond happy. My heart swells. I am Tom Cruise circa 2006. It feels crazy, but good.

2. So, then I went to Greece for ten blissful days of sun, sea, and pickpockets. With Adam, of course.


3. I returned to Canada two days before Thanksgiving, which I spent at my cottage with family.

4. I'm working a new job, which keeps me busy and makes me tired.

5. I've been sick with both an ear infection and a stomach virus for over a week.

6. I've been lazy about writing here. And adding photos for these last few points, apparently.

I promise to be better, and soon. That is all.

Love,

Erin

my bachelorette in photos

The night starts off innocently enough.

A cheese tray, some calamari, and a few drinks on a terrace...

Upstairs in the hotel room, pink decorations set the mood and food/drink is plentiful

The room done up already, they move on to decorating me

And then there is champagne - in bottles, in cans, on the hotel room floor.

Down the elevator and into a cab we go, on to a mystery location

At first it's this...him...and then her:

And then more, and more, and OMG.

And then, of course, we dance.

lovelovelove. The End.

things I am enjoying right now: August '09

1. 'The Almost Moon' by Alice Sebold

I've had this book on my shelf for almost 2 years, but just FINALLY took it down and opened it's pages after lengthy neglect. (I have an obscene amount of "new" books on hand at any given time, waiting for their turn to be read - next, 'Dish' by Jeannette Walls of 'The Class Castle' fame and love, also from Christmas '07*.) Only a few chapters in, I'm hooked again by Sebold's sharp prose and absorbing storytelling - like 'The Lovely Bones' before it, this book is proving to be both disturbing and beautiful.

*This is what happens when you buy so many books, all the time, uncontrollably - some are read within days of purchase, and others lay dormant for years until something tells you that their time has come.


2. Cherry Bomb Styling Serum

I've been a fan of this magical goop for years - countless salons use it, and I love the way it makes my hair soft, shiny, and frizz-free. Also: the smell is amazing, which is high on my list of qualities in a beauty product.

A tiny bottle of the Canadian made goodness runs about $15 in store, but if you're lucky, you have a friend who works at Trade Secrets and gets it for you at 50% off (along with OPI polish in 'Sweetheart' and 'Lincoln Park After Dark', of course). A nickel-sized dollop smoothed through damp hair before blowdrying is all you need, and voila! Perfect hair.

3. Strawberry Banana Vivanno Smoothie


Like Starbucks needs any promotional assistance from me, for real - but we all know I'm a slave to their delicious overpriced liquid crack, and this has been a perfect addition to my summer rotation of Iced Lattes and Java Chip/Caramel Frapps. (The Orange-Mango Blend is great as well, though I OD'd on those this Spring and have since moved on to the strawberry variety.)

Oh, Starbucks, how rich I must make your CEO. YOU'RE WELCOME.

days of summer

Summer days. We depart from the cottage with my cousins in tow, and spot a deer on the road as we head out - a sign, obviously, of a beautiful day to come.

That afternoon, at the park - "Santa's Summer Home" - the kids fed Reindeer as Adam looks on. My heart swells. They all make me smile.

Swan rides for all, some mini putt, carnival games, and a train through the park. A new eco display that they like best of all, and a water park that I enjoy most. Ice cream? No, the kids decide on candy instead. She sings songs the whole ride home; he plays cool and then joins in.

The next day, more sunshine. A book on the dock, ice cream in the boat. He paddle surfs, I swim. Later that weekend, him: "Babe, can you put some moisturizer on my shoulders? They're a bit sunburned."
Me: "Sure...just grab my Dove lotion from the washroom."
He returns with hairspray - right brand, wrong product by a mile. "Is this it?"
He's not kidding.
Oh, how I love him.

veiled in secrecy.

Oh, puns.

Sitting here, wanting to update, I realize that everything I want to share is SECRET at the moment. Wedding dress details...SECRET! The veil, earrings and hairpiece I bought over the weekend...SECRET! Pictures from the dress fitting on Saturday...well, you get the idea.

I'm in flown blown wedding mode, and yet, I can't share. Yet. Or I could, but I won't. Because I want it all to be a surprise when I walk down the aisle, and yet, I want to wear my dress everywhere I go, from the grocery store to the gym.

It's just that it's so lovely, and I'm sort of sad that I'll only be able to wear it for one day.

Outside of wedding world, there are tidbits of excitement. Mini-vacations at the lake whenever we can. A really great opportunity that I am interviewing for this Wednesday. The Bachelorette party in three weeks, a secret surprise day that Adam has planned, and THE HONEYMOON! Booked! To Greece - an adventure of my dreams.

"Outside of wedding world" was a lie, clearly. But why not let myself be that excited young bride? I'm happy, and excited, and bursting with love. In just over six weeks, Adam and I will be married in front of our families and closest friends. We will steal away to Europe together for ten blissful days, and come back to the life we are already living, together, in our ghetto apartment. And we'll be married, somehow more than we already are.

I have always felt that I could not love Adam any more than I already do. But every day, I realize I can, and do, wedding or not. I'm so glad we're doing this - sharing our happiness with our loved ones, making things official, celebrating - and I cannot wait for the best party of our lives.

a lovely rainy weekend at the lake.